What you are about to read is the actual correspondence between Mark who was bullied by James. Mark sent an email to James and then James responded.
Mark’s letter to James
James,
You may not remember me and I will never forget you. There has been a lot of media attention lately in respect to bullying and anytime this shows up, it brings back the memories and negative impact you had on my life back in my high school days.
The memory I face regularly is the time in the hallway by my school locker in grade 9/10 (close to the cafeteria) where you decided it to push and shove me around to the point of tears; this and your onlooking friends is stamped in my mind. This is how I remember it and perhaps, I said something to piss you off, I don’t recall.
I am writing this to clear the negative energy I have around this and let you know that for me, it is sad that this all happened. Regardless, I forgive you. If it was something I said that upset you, I ask for your forgiveness.
What I don’t know is what your life was like. People who bully generally have their own shit going on at home that propels them to hurt others. Regardless, we all are just trying to make the most out of our life, want to be valued and deal with the challenges the world dishes out; as children, the impacts of family, etc. make a huge difference.
I trust that you have become a parent (if you are one) that role models morality, respect and the importance of treating everyone with kindness.
James, it was funny in a away that as I grew older, stronger and more confident, I actually was hoping that I would run into you. If I did, I had every intention of punching you in the face.
I did see you about 14 or so years ago at a function.
It was in that moment that my desire went away as I came to realize that regardless of what you did, you are a human that wants to be valued as well. I perceived that perhaps, your childhood wasn’t that colourful and pleasant and that your teenage years could have been more traumatic than mine.
I have done a lot of healing. Self-awareness work, reflecting, and realizing my strengths of compassion, resilience and kindness has helped me overcome many challenges including my delicate and fear ridden childhood. I am now in a role where I teach others how to communicate, become high performers and optimize their success in the corporate world.
I understand you may be doing something similar in sharing your art with others to enjoy. Funny and ironic how you expose your talents through a canvas and I, through speaking engagements. We are both making a positive difference in the lives of others regardless of what we had to deal with.
In some respects, I have you to thank for allowing me to move beyond fear and torment to a career where I can stand boldly in front of others and show how vulnerability, openness and kindness can make a difference in love, connection and happiness.
James, I sincerely wish you continued success.
Regards,
Mark
James’ reply to Mark.
Hi Mark,
Thank you for your note. I don’t know if anything I can say will radically change your perspective on things, but I will attempt to address your letter in the hope that it will give you some sense of closure.
First and foremost – and I think you know this – you bear absolutely no responsibility for my rotten behaviour towards you. Your only faults were being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and perhaps being obviously vulnerable (not in any way a fault). To try and reason out why I chose to pick on you infers an underlying logic that simply wasn’t there. For what it’s worth I do vaguely remember you, although obviously not as clearly as you do me. This in itself is an indication of the thoughtlessness and arbitrariness of the act(s).
I didn’t come from a poor home life – far from it, my parents were kind and loving and instilled good values in me (although certainly not perfect, what parent is?). I was actually a pretty sensitive kid myself – I grew up with dogs that I loved thoroughly, and never abused in any way.
It has been my observation as I‘ve grown older often the most “edgy/hard” people are softer than average on the inside, a form of over compensation perhaps? I believe this was probably a factor, however there is no doubt that I was (as many teens are) an angry young dude. To this day I can’t exactly pinpoint where all of that comes from, but I certainly think peer groups (and bad choices regarding said peer groups) were a factor.
Traveling in the “popular/cool” crowd at that time was an extremely stressful and tenuous existence for me. There is a hierarchy in these cliques, and middling players like myself struggled to stay on the ”right” side of things; keeping up with the fashion trends, cracking jokes, dating, and, yes, never appearing vulnerable to the point of callousness. None of this serves as an excuse – a more grounded young person would’ve said “Fuck it” and walked away. I had other friends that were nicer people as well and I had the upbringing to know better, but for whatever reason that’s not how I rolled.
I appreciate and thank you for your forgiveness, it takes a big person to feel that way, but to be honest I don’t need it. Although what I did to you was terrible, and I’m sorry it had such lasting effects, I have had so little relationship to that person for so long that I really don’t carry a lot of guilt. If I had a time machine I would love to undo some bad decisions in my distant past, but I don’t, and in the end they were actions perpetrated by a confused, hormone infused, angry young man – not the kind and ethical person I have grown to become.
If someone had of sat me down at that time, and explained the long term effects my actions could have, it may have shifted my perspective because I wasn’t a rotten kid, I was just incredibly self-centered. In the end it was probably shame/guilt, and my positive upbringing that allowed me to so easily and quickly become a kinder, more empathetic person.
Also, ironically, I began my adult working life in the corporate environment at a good paying and promising job. However, I eventually left that job and went to art school because I viewed it as ethically and morally bankrupt – the motto “It’s not personal, it’s business” could as easily be applied to our interactions as a business deal. But of course we both know that any time a party (or person) is harmed it is deeply personal to that party, and has ripple effects on everyone in our society.
I am so glad that you were able to overcome the (significant) obstacles I placed in your development, and also wish you continued success. If there is any other questions I can answer, or way I can help please feel free to contact me anytime.
Sincerely,
James
Mark’s reply to James
Hi James,
Thank you. It says a lot about your character and the person you are that you responded to me in such a detailed and caring way. I really appreciate this. Thanks for sharing.
Amazing how communication can heal shit that one gets stuck in. I wish I would have connected with you earlier about this. It is amazing how these events can stick with someone for so long.
By the way, your current art is beautiful and no wonder you have become world renowned. Also, great on you that you have so much integrity that you choose a path that aligns with that. I too didn’t align with the corporate world and found that my own voice can be used in other and more meaningful ways.
All the best James and have a very Merry Christmas.
Cheers,
Mark